Hocus Pocus

…there are a few moments in a day that if wish that if I closed by eyes I could be somewhere else, but then I open my eyes and I’m back here again.  Sometimes I’m happier than when I closed my eyes, and sometimes not as much. (this mostly has to do with the amount of noise generated by 3 LOUD boys!) The last couple of days O has been a challenge. A lot of screaming. He completely refuses to eat meals. If you mention the words, ‘breakfast’, ‘lunch’, or ‘dinner’, you are SOL and a round of screaming begins about how much he hates dinner.  He will pick up the plate and throw it at you or throw it at the floor, or sometimes he may just sit down and eat it.  I wish that I had more insight into his brain.  I just want to know what to expect! If I knew in advance that, ‘today might be a difficulty of 9/10, I could brace myself for it.  A most treasured friend of mine, who lost her daughter, told me that she can usually make it through the predictable dates like birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, but it is the things that occur that you don’t expect that really take you for a loop.  I’ve applied this thought process to many experiences in life. I got to experience one of those moments tonight. We all went to O’s Pre-K holiday song performance.  I was prepared for the fact that he would probably not participate and cry and whine the whole time. That didn’t upset me. I was sad for him, and bummed out for him that he couldn’t participate, but what caught me off guard were the other parents reactions to O’s behavior. I’ve been trying to process what exactly upset me and why I can’t get past it, but I am not sure that I really understand the feeling enough to verbally articulate it. Lets start with what I don’t feel…I don’t feel like a failure because my son couldn’t participate in the holiday performance, I don’t feel embarrassed by his behavior, I actually feel quite happy and tremendously proud that he is my son and just being himself.  Nothing bothered me. Of course, I always hold out hope that for some miraculous, inexplicable reason he might just jump up there and be right there with the rest of the kids, for his sake, not for mine. But the feeling that I was not expecting to feel was other people’s pity. I guess that is how I would phrase it. There was no condescending undertone at all.  This is a very nice bunch of parents to very lovely children, but I think that they felt bad for me out of kindness and I guess that I don’t know how to accept that feeling or if I even want to. I think that I equated that to pity. They felt awkward and didn’t know what to say or do. I try and picture myself in their shoes and I would be doing the exact same thing. One dear mom wouldn’t look me in the eye, tried to avoid me, probably because she was at a loss for words. That’s okay. I totally get it. I think that when you see something that is so far off from the norm, you embrace what you have and thank GOD that it is not you that has happened to. Whether it be a person on the street begging for money, or whatever, you always feel lucky that isn’t you. I guess that I’ve never felt that feeling before and it is an interesting place to be in.  At first it really upset me, but now I find it thought-provoking.

One thought on “Hocus Pocus

  1. Ardeth

    I have to say that you are an AMAZING WOMAN! To be able to feel so deeply, then analyze your feelings and then put them into words is just beautiful. Your ability to think “outside the box” is also extraordinary. Through your words, I can almost go through the experiences with you.

    I say that your 4 LOUD boys are very lucky to be in your family, and I feel privileged to know you.

    Hugs, Ardeth

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