jump to navigation

still stings June 18, 2012

Posted by caizooka in autism parenting.
add a comment

Yep. The pain is still there. It hasn’t subsided at all. I don’t know why I think that it would have dulled in this year and a half. You get over confident. As soon as you think for a second that it’s okay. It’s okay to breathe in, and breathe out without worrying. Without having to hold your breath on the inhale, or the exhale. It’s always there. Always. Breaths are labored. There is either a subtle hold on the inhale, between breaths, or on the exhale. This is how I exhibit pain. No matter how hard I try to hide it. This is how I recognize pain in others. It’s so obvious. It’s so painful. I didn’t choose this path to be able to feel this, or to recognize this, but it is just what it is. It is there. It is glaring and blatant…and unfathomable. Yet, it is here and now. My heart bleeds for those of whom hold their breath on the exhale. I know them. I am them. Or the inhale. It’s so painful. I know you. I want to reach out to you. But, I don’t. I just try and exist and pull it together. I do stop in my tracks, pray for you, pray for me, and hope that we are both somehow pushing forward in this struggle. Against what? Against the pain. The loss.

Today it hit me when I didn’t expect it. I was cleaning the garage. The plastic container of cleats was over flowing. There were two pairs that needed to be added to the box…last year’s football and baseball cleats. I put them in the container. My hands were shaking. Maybe one of the younger boys will use them. Maybe not . I hope not. Yet, I still hold onto them. I cannot let go.

Advertisements

a new day June 10, 2012

Posted by caizooka in autism parenting.
add a comment

Today I opened my email and nearly jumped out of my seat. My O was invited on a playdate!!! Holy Heavens, it is a big thing for us. Of course, I broke into tears. 3 year ago, I never, ever saw the day in which I saw a day in which my child was capable of playing, further more, being invited by a peer on a playmate. It makes me think. A lot. I always divide things into two piles…the things that I can control, and the things that I cannot. Today threw the equation off a bit. I do not like to give blatant control of my children’s lives to any person. But, in some respects, it was another person’s action that I had no control over that dictated my child’s life. My life. I’ll have to ponder that a bit more.

What I do know is that my child’s eyes lit up when I told him he was invited on a play date. He was truly elated. I love to see his eye lit up. But his reaction is not that of a child that craves personal connections. It was a reaction of a child that loves star wars and knew that this buddy also loves star wars. That is sweet.