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still stings June 18, 2012

Posted by caizooka in autism parenting.
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Yep. The pain is still there. It hasn’t subsided at all. I don’t know why I think that it would have dulled in this year and a half. You get over confident. As soon as you think for a second that it’s okay. It’s okay to breathe in, and breathe out without worrying. Without having to hold your breath on the inhale, or the exhale. It’s always there. Always. Breaths are labored. There is either a subtle hold on the inhale, between breaths, or on the exhale. This is how I exhibit pain. No matter how hard I try to hide it. This is how I recognize pain in others. It’s so obvious. It’s so painful. I didn’t choose this path to be able to feel this, or to recognize this, but it is just what it is. It is there. It is glaring and blatant…and unfathomable. Yet, it is here and now. My heart bleeds for those of whom hold their breath on the exhale. I know them. I am them. Or the inhale. It’s so painful. I know you. I want to reach out to you. But, I don’t. I just try and exist and pull it together. I do stop in my tracks, pray for you, pray for me, and hope that we are both somehow pushing forward in this struggle. Against what? Against the pain. The loss.

Today it hit me when I didn’t expect it. I was cleaning the garage. The plastic container of cleats was over flowing. There were two pairs that needed to be added to the box…last year’s football and baseball cleats. I put them in the container. My hands were shaking. Maybe one of the younger boys will use them. Maybe not . I hope not. Yet, I still hold onto them. I cannot let go.

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