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How did this happen? August 31, 2009

Posted by caizooka in Uncategorized.
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After watching the Dateline piece on the link of the MMR vaccine to autism, it started my mind working about HOW this happened. I know that every parent out there who has a child with autism wonders the same thing. Did I eat something toxic, non-organic while I was pregnant that caused this? Did he ingest something to cause this? Is it in the air? Is it in the vaccinations? The water? Is it genetic? Is it mold? Some people are better at accepting things with out understanding the reasoning behind them. I wish I were one of those people sometimes. I feel that if I don’t understand the source of the problem that I’m just treating the symptoms. It seemed to me that with his diagnosis, they kind of indicated that. He IS autistic. You can make it better (treat the symptoms) but he will always be autistic. I’m not sure that I’m willing to accept that yet, or ever. I’m not willing to accept that because I don’t know what it means. There are no two cases of autism as they all display different symptoms. Until we understand the reason for O’s autism, we will pursue the education offered to us as well as the various therapies. Of course we will try anything.

So, we are on day 3 of O being sick. I had forgotten this side of O. He was doing so well this summer. He hasn’t been sick for awhile and has been flourishing with the arrival of M in our lives and our home. Everything has been clicking for him lately. There are some outbursts and some difficulties, but nothing drastic. This morning I told him that he couldn’t watch Scooby Doo. He started yelling and screaming at me. I conceal my fear that he might lash out, but sure enough, he did. He picked up a plastic toy (E’s favorite one!) and threw it at the tv. The screen shattered as did my hope that that part of him had disappeared. At our old house he did something similar and broke one of the leaded glass windows. We can get a new tv, we can get new windows, albeit not cheap, but these things are not necessary, they are just things. What is terrifying about the experience is the reminder of the power that this has over him and over us. Within a few minutes he was remorseful and saying that he was sorry. It will happen again. The unpredictability from one minute to the next is frightening. One minute he’s laughing and playing with his brother, the next, he’s throwing Elmo toys into the tv.

I need to protect him from himself. I’m going to order the Guardian Angel Window Guards for his bedroom and the playroom. I can’t predict if he might suddenly decide to do something dangerous. I hate to do this, but this is necessary. Keeping my kids safe and healthy is necessary.

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Comments»

1. Michele - August 31, 2009

I’m touched and honored to be part of your community Karen. Your reflections are powerful – keen, insightful and blazingly honest. You are taking all of us on a journey of learning by sharing your feelings and experiences through this blog. You are such a wonderful champion for your family – loving, patient, smart, funny and willing to fight like hell. Oliver couldn’t be in a better place. I believe we can change assumptions and stereotypes one interaction at a time. So thank you for telling it like it is. Be kind to yourself, and know that you are all in our hearts.

2. Jan - September 1, 2009

Karen,
My heart aches for you. What a heavy load to carry. You are so brave and fierce and determined. From what little I know about autism, parental engagement does matter. A lot. Oliver is blessed to have a true warrior for a mother. You will make a difference.

Much love,

Jan

3. Stephanie - September 9, 2009

Hi Karen, just wanted to thank you for sharing this. I hope the fall(and school) brings some peace. It’s got to have been hard to hear about sweet special Ollie, but he is still Ollie.


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