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why did it have to be you? June 5, 2011

Posted by caizooka in autism parenting.
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I’m posting this now…it was written 10/15/10

I love how you are who you are. Lost in your own world. Happy as a clam. But I look at you, and even though you are so happy, sometimes you don’t look back at me. But, it is not about me. It is about you. Why did this have to happen to you? I want you to be happy. You are. I want you to have a full life. You will. I don’t even know what I’m writing about, but there is this sense of pain as a parent to want to absorb anything that might obstruct your child from not feeling his full potential of happiness. I don’t think that having autism is going to prevent you from happiness. I just held your sweet face in my hands tonight when we were carving pumpkins together. You smiled at me. For some reason, you caught me off guard. All I could think about was, “WHY YOU? ”

I see my friend’s son who has had cancer, but is doing marvelously now at age 5. I ask myself, ‘why him?’ ‘Why them?’ I just plain don’t understand why cancer had to happen to them. To him. Why autism had to happen to us. To O. Yes, I see the blessings in disguise, but the pain is undeserved. I don’t get envious very often, if ever. I feel so fortunate to have everyone in my life that I do. I’m sooooooooooo blessed. I wouldn’t change anything, or anyone in my life. But, every so often I see a family of super externally happy, super successful kids. Super athletic, super academic, super whatever. Just super.  Would I want in a million years to be them? Never! But, it does make me think of why something things are so hard for some at times. Yet, some people just seem to coast through life with zero hiccups. Yes, autism is difficult to deal with, but nothing like dealing with a 1 1/2 year old that has cancer. What is THAT about?!!! Maybe some day this will all make sense, but right now, at this very moment, I just plain don’t get it. It’s a big, fat, ugly-ass pill to swallow.

I’m completely in awe of how this cycle doesn’t end. Grieve, accept, embrace, grieve more, accept more, embrace more…then start over. Rinse, lather, repeat. Just when I was in a good place with where we were all at, out of the blue, it hits me. I guess that because O is doing so well and has been able to adapt more easily, that his true autism has been more apparent. No longer, for the past few weeks anyways, have our lives revolved around if and when O’s meltdowns will or won’t happen. When it does, what is our exit strategy. I’m always aware of the easiest exit of any given place. Who will get E while one of us is dealing with O? Who will be able to stay with O while someone else takes J to his events. It takes a lot of coordination. A LOT. So many friends are on my speed dial and have so graciously helped out. Sooooo many. I could never begin to repay the debts that I owe. People have been so giving and so gracious in their love and support and help.

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