Well, it seems like I can add another acronym to my balancing act…PTSD. We’ve barreled through ADD, ASD, IEPs, OCD, TBI, CT Scans, MRIs, EKG, CBC, CUTE (Crazy-Unpredictable-Toddler-Exhaustion…just made that one up!), ABA, SPD, DRI, PICU, GFCF…

…but coming home from the hospital with J from his last brain surgery, was such a relief that I let down my emotional guard down long enough to take a deep breath of fresh air but it was met with extreme resistance. Shaking, crying, sweating, screaming, and more shaking. These fits passed through me for no apparent reason. Sure, there are some obvious triggers, but it came on like waves. Violent waves met with a strong, sand bagged levy. The first two weeks were miserable. One constant panic attack. Then I thought it was over. I was proven wrong as now it comes and goes intermittently.

I am going with this. If I fight it, I feel like it’s going to be worse. So, I’ve eliminated any outside contaminants…no alcohol, no fingernail biting. I need clarity. Pure, raw thoughts and reactions and feelings.

Resisting my strong desire to numb these emotions and uncontrollable feelings with a delicious glass of chardonnay, I’m left to face the demons on my own. The emotions that I wasn’t able to deal with when I was in survival mode during those first few months. Unable to let down my guard enough to sleep. Holding it together. Barely holding it together yet at the same time wound tight enough to repel any other emotions that might seep into the stature that I was trying to keep. That was necessary to keep.

Now that I’m at the 6 month mark, I’m able to process this. I’m able to finish this post that I started 3 months ago. Fits of panic that rush through me at any given time without warning have diminished some. They still do come in waves. There is no warning. The middle of Costco, playing at the park with the little guys, or making dinner. I am completely powerless to them. I’m thankful that I’ve been able to barrel through this. They will decrease in time. I’m sure of that.

Prior to this change in our world 6 months ago, anxiety was not something that I had experienced. I had some serious anxiety about time. Interestingly, now that has completely disappeared. Time is a whole different concept. Yes, I’d love to get places on time, but the obsession with being on time has been replaced with an anxiety of just being there.