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love you so much October 16, 2010

Posted by caizooka in autism, autism parenting.
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I don’t know what the change that is going on with O, is but he is downright pleasant. I’m falling in love, even more, with him. He is really growing up. He is settling down. As I posted before, he is doing a fabulous job of talking himself out of situations. I’m so proud of him. I’m just downright shocked at how well he is adapting himself to his environment. He is also doing a good job of just being O. That makes me fiercely proud. I love so much how he is uninhibited and is happy in his own groove. Just watching him doing what he does makes me happy these days. The fact that he busts out into a tap dance (a la Mumble in ‘Happy Feet’) at any given time is awesome! The smile on his face that accompanies his flashy feet moves is something truly unique.

Something happened today. It was random and wouldn’t have been worth mentioning, but it stuck in my head, like superglue. The guy in the line in front of me at the super market was taking for-evvvv-ver. I was in a huge hurry (as usual), and was not willing to be patient because, after all, it IS all about me! I realized then that this man was different. My head immediately changed it’s tune. This man had different issues. He was ‘slow’. He was struggling with the payment part of his transaction. He was purchasing a 24 pack of frozen Kroger brand hamburgers, and white wonder bread. He was talking louder than anyone else, which attracted just enough attention for people to stop in their tracks and look. I just stood there, watching. Watching him. Watching the cashier’s reaction to him. Watching the bagger’s reaction to him. Watching the people around him’s reaction. Watching the people who had lined up behind me’s reactions. When he talked, he kinda spit. He was just talking, having a conversation with the cashier about the weather. The same conversation that any other customer and cashier were having. The cashier was fine and he did a great job of helping the man through the line. The bagger, a teenage girl, was annoyed. Totally perturbed. The woman behind me was huffing and puffing like her world was about to explode. The man behind her said, ‘what IS the hold up?!’

I just observed. I couldn’t speak. I was paralyzed. When it was my turn to check out, I struggled to remember my phone number that gave me my QFC shopper advantage discount. I had to try three times. My mind had checked out. I was mentally following this man through his day. How hard were things for him? Did he have meaningful social connections? Did he have a community? Who was in his community? Does he need a warm winter coat? What can I do for him???? It struck me later, that the reason why I was so caught by this man is that I don’t know what O is going to be like when he is that age. Will he be fine? Will he be struggling to utilize his debit card at the neighborhood QFC? Will he have friends? Will he have a community? Who will be in his community? Will he have warm winter coat? Will I be here to protect him?! Who will protect him?

ugggggg……….why did my mind have to wander down this path? I wasn’t ready for this! I’m barely adapting to him being out in the world…well, Kindergarten anyways…and now I’m freaking out about him being 50, on welfare, unable to use the stupid debit card machine at the local super market!!!!!

Okay, now that I’ve expressed my biggest fear to the universe, I can move on. I know that this is going to come up again. But, in the world of worlds, I know, I have extreme faith that he is going to be looked after.

but…when will all of the laughing with him become laughing at him? What will I do then? Will he care? Will he notice? I don’t want him to notice. I want him to be free to be him. Be you, O, just be you and be proud! I pray that the world is gentle and kind to you.

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Comments»

1. Mom - October 17, 2010

Be gentle and kind, for sure, word!! I am so much more aware of the “Olivers” in this world and just want to step in and help, as I am sure we all do. I loved his “moves”, the feet dancing, when we were coming out of the school with Emily. His MOVES!! Love the guy so much.


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