Don’t know why I want to spell utter as udder. Just do. I’m being rebellious as I’m sitting here at U. Village Starbucks drinking my short non-fat chai latte by myself. Yep, all by myself in a room of strangers. It’s wonderful. It’s been a helluva day!
Today O told me, ‘Mommy, you’re a stupid idiot! How could you quit when you were on top of your game?’ What a fascinating statement. What exactly is that supposed to mean? Well, the stupid idiot part of the statement is nothing new. The fact that I don’t react irrationally due to this remark, just tells me how far I’ve come in parenting. ONE time, J said, ‘dammit’ when he was 5. I told him that it was inappropriate and he never said it again. Now O routinely calls me an idiot, a stupid idiot, and also says, ‘Jesus Christ’. Wow, this is upsetting. I have seriously lowered my parenting standards! Of course I want him to stop, of course I tried to get him to stop. When you try to get O to stop doing anything it ends up being more of a battle than it’s worth so this is one battle that I have chosen not to fight at this moment. I say at the moment because I don’t think that it’s okay, but for right now, I feel that I have bigger fish to fry. Large, deep ocean halibut from Canada sized fish. That’s mighty big and meaty.
J is turning 13 tomorrow. Wow. I love him soooooooooooo much but boy, he’s really entering his teenager-dom with a lot of drama. I won’t talk about specifics to protect his privacy, but he is hard, hard, hard for me to understand. I am struggling to comprehend where he is at, what he needs us to be for him so that he can be the best J that he can be. That is my goal for him. It is painful that he is struggling so. I’m disappointed in myself as a parent. How have I failed so? I’m disappointed in him. How could he not want to improve himself? Takanozomi (高望み) is a person who is always trying to set their sights on something higher, something more. Someone who will not be satisfied with the status-quo. This is who I am, my family taught me to be, my husband and friends are. I can’t understand where he fits into this. Maybe he is/will be and this is the stage that he needs to be at in order to get there on his own, in his own due time. How do I get through the day to day waiting for him to find this in himself? What words of guidance do I offer to help him get there? Is offering too much enabling him? How do I show him that I love him but am also not going to let him treat me terribly. He is essentially telling me with his actions, ‘Mommy, you’re a stupid idiot!’, too. 2/2 kids relaying that message to me in one day. I’m sure if Emil could assert his independence in words, he’d be uttering the same sentiment. When he threw his apple juice bottle at me, I certainly felt the love.
That’s enough, Debbie Downer, move on!
So, what does O mean by ,’How could you quit when you were on top of your game?’ Not sure I want to delve into how deep a statement that is. I’m sure it’s borrowed speech from a movie/show of some sort, but the fact that he held onto that one line and told me that at that very moment often times tell me something about him. He’s kinda brilliant like that. Kinda insightful. Kinda weird, too;)
I was in the middle of an argument with J when he said that. Maybe he meant that I should not back down. Maybe he is questioning why I even engage in such altercations when I’m going to just get so upset anyways. Maybe he just really does think that I’m an idiot. That is what he called me after all. I think that I need to gain some perspective. Need some sleep.