Yep, ‘there’ll be days like this Mama said’…but, she never told me that I’d have 3 such lively boys. Of whom I could have never possibly have imagined such love for. Or never imagined the devastation of the diagnoses of autism of one. Or, have to endure a tragic episode of almost losing another in a traumatic brain injury. Yet, she never told me that with such sorrow, came such incredible joy. I can only barely write about this now, 2+ months later. And, only because we have a positive outcome. Yes, Julian will be okay. He will be different. We all will. How could we not.
Redefining normal seems to be a constant theme in our lives. I could go into great detail how specifically our lives have changed with circumstance. Ebbs and flows. Hills and valleys. Highs and lows. Loves and losses. Disappointments and victories. It’s all life. It’s brutal, but it is beautiful. It is pure.
Yes, my own mother never told me that life as a parent could be this hard. How I would be holding onto my sacred rosary for dear life on the floor of Harborview Medical Center trying to make deals with God. Praying for Him to take me instead of my son. No mother could prepare their child for this. This was a journey that I had to go through on my own. What my mother did tell me is that there is always something good in every situation, in every person, to find. This, I know to be true. Again, I can only believe this because my 3 sons are here with us today. Under our roof. Breathing the same air. Laughing at the same jokes. Eating the same meals. Yes, I can believe that although life will take different turns, and you have to redefine what life may look like, that there is a silver lining and that always seeing the cup as not just half full, but 3/4 full is a blessing. I know that there are many parents whose lives took a different turn, in that very same ER. I wouldn’t know what to say to them. I just know that God had a different path for my son. For me. I’m so grateful. I know that I was given these particular challenges because I can handle it. On days like today, I truly wonder what God sees in me that possibly makes me worthy of such a worldly responsibility. At times I feel empowered by the gift of the responsibility. Today, I would say, that I feel daunted and overtaken by it. Tomorrow, I know that I will feel strength from the lessons that I learned today. Today, though, I feel sorrow. That sorrow will turn into something positive. I’m not sure what yet. But, I know that the song says, ‘Mama said, Hey! Don’t you worry now.’ I will find peace in those words.