Should have known better. Oliver was starting to get a little restless and locked himself in the office. My mom and I were trying to get Emil to calm down because Oliver slammed it smack on his face and he was angry and trying to hit his way thru the glass doors. Then Oliver found a piece of paper and what appeared to be a Mr. Sketch pen. He started to draw and looked like he was doing a pretty good job of self-soothing. About 10 minutes later I went back and saw that there was blue marker everywhere. I thought to myself, ‘Well, atleast it’s not a Sharpie!’. Then I looked down on the desk and recognized the undeniable Sharpie pen cap in the exact same color blue. Panic! It is everywhere. On the hardwood floors, desktop, chair, Oliver’s arms and shirt. I didn’t freak out but just said, ‘Oh, NO, what happened here?’ Oliver said, ‘Oh, I’m so sorry, Mama, it was an accident’. I said, ‘sure is’. I don’t think that he did it intentionally, but it certainly wasn’t an accident. Regardless. Now I have to try and get this out. Any ideas? If there is one thing that I’ve learned with him over the past few months is that when I have a big reaction to something, he does, too. Both in happy and sad times. So, I gathered the pen and walked away. He was feeling really remorseful and starting down a negative path until my mom took he and her dog, Libby, to the park. From there, he’s been in good spirits.
Category: autism
‘gluten-four’ makes my tummy hurt
Oh, Oliver and his sayings. I love him. Today he had a very heartfelt conversation with my sister, Malia, on the phone about going to Trader Joe’s. He said that he bought ‘gluten-free’ because gluten-free made his tummy feel better and had the purple signs (the signs that they use at Trader Joe’s to signify that an item is gluten-free is a purple sign). Then he said that orange juice also protects his tummy and makes him feel better. He then told her that ‘gluten-four’ made his tummy feel bad. I gather that he has interpreted ‘gluten-free’ to be ‘gluten-three’. What a nut. I haven’t had too many conversations with him about this so a lot of this has really been about him picking up on the conversations that I have about gluten-free diets with my mom, sisters, and friends. He is incredibly literal. He makes me chuckle 😉
shoestring potatoes are gluten-free!
Yes! Hallelujah! Shoestring potatoes are gluten-free! What a joy. Trying to remain optimistic, because I am a true optimist, but honestly, life can be sad and depressing whilst also being happy and lovely. Finding a balance in this world raising these 3 boys is a challenge right now. I do know that in sad there is happy, and in happy there is sad. Ugg…I need a balance. I feel that it fluctuates between super happy and super sad in a moments notice, if even that. I don’t want to complain. I hate complainers. I want to tell them to buck up and live life. I want to tell myself that. I tell myself that. I hear myself saying that. I am doing that. And with that I feel hope and love and pure joy. The utter pain of autism in our lives and the utter joy of it is a lot to bear sometimes. I don’t want to say ‘I’m overwhelmed’, but I am. If it were just autism, maybe I would be fine. If it were just a teenager, maybe I would be fine. If it were just a feisty toddler, maybe I would be fine. But the combination of trying to anticipate the needs of all three of these beings in addition to a marriage and a home is a lot. Thank God for Glee. The happiness in my week has been the return of this show. How crazy is that! It is something that I can count on. The rest is not as reliable.
acceptance and making peace with Autism
I’ve done a great deal of reflecting lately. Having my hand bandaged and being in an extended lethargic state of recovery, I’ve had the time to do so. There is so much to reflect upon. It seems that these times when you are forced to slow down are a blessing in disguise. I feel frustrated because there is so much to get done and I can’t so I just throw my hand(s) in the air. I’ve reflecting upon so much. I have done a lot of contemplating where I am in the raising of each child and how vastly different each of them are. Different kids, different needs. Now that my wrist has been set free of my cast from the surgery, I can type again. YAY!
I think about where I was a year ago. We had no diagnosis; just hunches and lots and lots of fear. Oliver had just been evaluated by the school district. I was a mess. Sadness wrapped in a thick layer of depression from feeling out of control and frightened. Oliver was tested at between 1 – 2% in social skills. That was devastating. I remember sitting in the parking lot of Burger Master on Aurora. Sobbing hysterically. Not knowing what to do. Oliver sat in the backseat drinking a milkshake, spacing out, staring out the window. That was such a low point. It was so scary. I have never been in denial of where we are at with Oliver. I think that if Oliver were my only son or my oldest child, it would be a different situation. Also the fact that my mom was so good at grasping the bull by the horns always set a great precedence for us. Even though it had been a few years between kids, so there was no one to directly compare him to, I knew that Oliver was different. He wasn’t connecting the dots and jumping to the next milestone on his own. I figured that maybe different kids just progressed differently. I still cannot watch videos of him when he was younger because I don’t know what I don’t want to see. If there is obviously something there and I didn’t see it I will feel bad. If there doesn’t appear to be anything, I will feel bad that maybe we did something to cause this. I’ll get to the point where I’m ready to watch these, but I am just not ready yet.
Sometimes I want to wake up and find that this whole autism thing has washed away. Even though sometimes it’s not the most difficult thing that our family is dealing with, it is undeniably the thing that pushes us over the edge because of the amount of all encompassing worry involved. I’m learning to live with it and recognize the beauty of everything that we are granted. Even though it seems like too much at times, I have made peace with where I am. I recognize how volatile this world is and how something that I have never even heard of can invade my life tomorrow. So, I need to be okay with today. Not only do I need to be okay with it, but I have to embrace it. I think that part of embracing something is accepting its flaws and weaknesses along with it’s beauty and strength. I accept that there are going to be worse days than I’ve seen, but I also believe whole-heartedly that the best, most glorious days are yet to come.
Another large part of acceptance is giving up control. I see parents who feel as powerless in the face of autism as I do. We are courageous. I also see parents who are absolutely courageous upfront, seemingly fearless. I bow down to you and praise you for paving part of this path before us. It is downright scary at times the effects of autism has upon on a family. I don’t feel as much fear when I admit that I don’t have control of this. I can try and control Oliver’s diet, vitamins and supplements, therapies, etc, but I have to make a separation about what I am trying to control. I cannot control autism and I cannot control Oliver. My friend, A, today told me that she was reading a book about ADHD and the whole first chapter spoke of how first and foremost you must love your child for who they are. Indeed, that is it! That is the first step in acceptance for me. Sure, I would love for autism to leave us, to free Oliver of its very intense grasp, but if not I will love him just the same. Setting aside the expectations that you have for that sweet little baby that you held so tightly when they were born and promised them that nothing would ever, ever go wrong…that takes a great deal of faith to know that it is just going to be okay.
I also reflect upon the people who have entered my life in the past year and I simply can’t believe my blessings. I have learned a great deal from the courage of people who are facing autism and life’s many other challenges. The tears we’ve shed, the laughter…my life is so full because of all of these amazing souls that have passed through my life and left a huge impression upon me. I cannot imagine my existence without them and the lessons I have learned from them. I feel a tremendous sense of community and support. I’m so grateful.
Although sometimes I don’t want to be more aware of Autism, I remain in awe of Awe-tism. How awesomely consuming it is. How much time, energy, money, and strength that it demands of me. It doesn’t ask me patiently and wait for me to say, ‘just a sec’. It shrieks at the top of it’s lungs for me to hear it and drowns absolutely everything and everyone else out. I’m still listening but sometimes I just really want to turn the volume down.
and, we have a haircut!!
Just short of a miracle, Oliver got a haircut with no big fuss. Thanks to his buddy who is his social skills partner, and to Teacher Heather. His buddy got a haircut last weekend and on Monday they drew up a social skills story. Peter talked with him about what was scary and came to find out that it was the hair falling in his face that was most terrifying. I did some research and found that some people have used visors to prevent the hair from falling in their faces. I told him that there was a special hat for haircuts. He seem unenthused at first, but then he seemed into it. For some reason, the next day I asked him if he wanted to get a haircut at the barbershop or from Mommy. I have been through this conversation with him numerous times before only to be yelled at, ‘NO, I HATE HAIRCUTS!’ But for some reason on this day he said, I’d rather have you do it, Mommy. He asked if we had a special hat. I said, ‘Why, yes, and you get to choose which one you want to use!’ I didn’t think this through. I was still on a high from hearing the words, ‘YES’. I somehow floated to the hat drawer in Julian’s room and there were two visors in there. One was an orange Denver Broncos one. That is the one Ollie chose. He also insisted upon scissors, NO clippers. I cut his very thick, overgrown hair with a pair of $1.99 haircutting scissors with a huge smile on my face. It’s not the prettiest haircut you’ve ever seen, but it is definitely a haircut. Huge, huge progress. I really never thought that it would really happen. Yeah for progress!
I’ll just have an apple and peanut butter
Since diving into the gluten free casein free diet for O 6 weeks ago, I don’t know what to think. Behaviorally speaking, I see no change. This is where I had really expected to see significant change. Where I do notice change is in his focus and also language acquisition. Quite significant actually. I am really going to have to consider how much of a difference it has made because the food situation with O has gotten out of hand. I honestly don’t think that it is because the restricted aspect of this diet. We have done a very careful job of allowing him to eat the foods that he wants. Peter’s new trick is to take a gluten free hamburger bun to Dick’s and swap them out in the front seat before O catches wind of it. I took his lead and have been carrying gluten free hot dog buns in my bag when we go to the Museum of Flight or to the Children’s Museum.
We’re figuring out that trying to get O to eat a proper meal is kinda out of the question at this point. So…I’m trying to pack calories and nutrients into him during snacks. And earlier in the day he will eat more. Come dinner, forget it. It’s enough of a struggle just getting him to sit in his chair, furthermore putting food into his mouth, chew, swallow and digest. There are days when I think that the only thing that he will eat is apples and peanut butter. Not any apple and not any peanut butter of course. The apple must be fresh from the fridge, cut into wedges, peeled. The peanut butter must be the extra country JIF that has the blue cap from Costco. Just writing this makes me cringe. I have learned that one should not ever try and substitute a different, perhaps better quality, organic peanut butter, nor should one even consider leaving the peels on the apples. On the upside, the calorie content is good and there is iron and protein in the peanut butter. The apple is 80 calories. The peanut butter is about 190 calories/2T. Over the course of a day he’ll probably eat 3 apples (240 calories) and more than a half a cup of peanut butter (760 calories). That’s 1000 calories. In a web search, I found that a child of his age and activity level should consume approximately 1400 calories. So, that’s not bad. I’ve been telling myself over the past couple weeks that Temple Grandin would ONLY eat pudding and jello for the longest time and she’s now over 60 and a functioning member of society.
I spoke to our doctor about this and she said that we should have seen the benefits by now. This is food for thought as we decide what to do moving forward. If we were seeing huge differences, I would stick to this diet like glue. I just don’t know if it’s worth it. The time, energy, cost, brain space. I’m know that there is going to be a happy medium for us, but I don’t know exactly what that is going to look like.
Continue reading “I’ll just have an apple and peanut butter”
what’s the deal here?
okay, we’ve been doing this whole gluten free casein free diet for 3 weeks now. I am stopping to ask myself at what cost? What am I expecting to accomplish? I thought that I was seeing improvements at first. Was I imagining that? It’s not like autism is quantifiable. Perhaps if he was a number on a scale, say a 34, and by doing this diet for 3 months would bump us up to 38 or a 40, it would be worth it. I’m not seeing that. Initially, I thought that we were seeing improvements in focus and fewer tantrums. Yes, there should be data collection involved in this but believe me, at the end of one of these tantrums the very last thing that I am thinking is, ‘let me record this on a whiteboard’. What I am usually doing at that moment is praying to heaven above that I can gather enough information and perhaps some insight from that moment to make the next time better. Lets see how much time and effort went into this diet today. Spent time finding a gluten free hamburger bun recipe. Bought the ingredients at PCC while Oliver was at school and my mom was watching E. Spent a fortune. Came home and put the 14 obscure ingredients in a bowl, mixed, waited while they were rising. Cleaned the mess up. Baked them. About 2 hours elapsed. Oh, did I mention that I did this one handed as I had surgery on my left wrist? (can you sense my irritation?) All in all, they were okay. It was nice to have a home baked item as a part of dinner. I do know that everyone appreciated them as well. But the bigger question is…is this worth the effort that I’m putting forth? What else could I have accomplished with that time and money? I could have done a fun activity with my mom and the boys. Also, is this worth the sacrifice of the rest of the family? The nearly unpalatable breads, sending Julian and his friends to the garage to eat girl scout cookies so as not to upset O, the tantrums over food. We will persevere until Easter and then revaluate. There is just no well researched data that is making me stick to this for our family beyond what we allotted for. If you have any concrete information to make me stick to this further, PLEASE let me know. I would also love feedback on if I decide to reintroduce gluten or casein back, which it should be?
On a different note, I feel fantastic! Less general inflammation, more energy, less bogged down.
What am I missing?
Just when I think that everything’s better, out of nowhere, there are plates hurled again at breakfast. Thank you, Peter, for catching that one before the carefully peeled potatoes made their way across the kitchen.
So, I’m revisiting the morning and wondering what went wrong along the way to spur this behavior. What were the signs? What could I have seen but didn’t?
Oliver came downstairs smiling and prancing, seemingly happy to see Emil and I. He ran to the sofa and did a headstand. This is what he usually does. The pressure on his head seems to be soothing to him. I was making breakfast, Emil was playing with playdoh. Oliver was chirpy and grinning. I gave Emil some potatoes. He was eating them happily, minding his own business. I asked Oliver if he wanted some potatoes, too. He yelled, ‘I hate potatoes’. I ignored him. I then asked him if he might like some ketchup on them. He yelled, ‘I hate ketchup and potatoes’. I didn’t react and decided to switch from the topic of food to drink. Somewhere during this time frame, he asked if he could watch tv. I said, ‘maybe later’. I think that just added fuel to the fire.
Then Julian came downstairs and gave him a hug and said ‘good morning’. He didn’t revolt against that. Peter came downstairs and asked him if he’d like to join us at the table. He sat down but then stated that he wanted the potatoes peeled. He said, ‘sure, no problem’ and peeled his potatoes. Sometimes Oliver needs to get his way a little bit but then he’ll get on board with the plan after you give him a little control. Today that just further enraged him. I made some eggs for the other two boys with butter. Oliver never likes eggs, so I figured that it would be okay to cook them with butter for the other boys (Oliver’s not eating dairy/gluten). Then, he says that he wants eggs. I put a piece on his plate. He then started freaking out that he wanted a bigger piece before he even had any. Then we had a full fledged tantrum starting. Plates being flipped over, etc. Peter took him upstairs.
A couple hours later…he won’t eat more than two bites of food. He wanted a waffle. I made one. With chocolate chips and maple syrup. He ate two bites. Then he saw the left overs from breakfast and wanted the potatoes again, with no skin. Okay. Done. He ate two bites. He said he’s not hungry. My mom said to make him a milkshake. Good idea. Made him one (dairy/gluten free of course) with a banana in it. He drank about 1/2 cup.
Is it the gluten-free thing? Has he lost his appetite for food because of that? Is that causing him the tantrums? Is it that he was sick the past few days and he hasn’t eaten so he’s not hungry yet? Prior to this I was noticing how well he was doing. Fewer tantrums, better focus. More creativity and lots more laughter. He was bee-bopping around here last week in great spirits. He was also easier to talk into things and push the boundaries a bit. Now that he doesn’t seem to be feeling as well, he’s not at all flexible and is not easy to get along with. He simply cannot rebound well.
I wish that I had more answers for my questions. I feel like when we have a string of good days in a row I get closer to figuring this out. Then we’ll face a health set back and it seems like everything that we learned doesn’t work and the rules have been rewritten.
Love you, Temple Grandin
Although I haven’t read her books or saw the HBO special based upon her life, I just watched the C-Span InDepth interview with Temple Grandin. It’s long but as a mom of an autistic child, it was extremely insightful and worth it. She was diagnosed with autism when she was four. She is nearly 60 now and a Ph.D university professor. I LOVE how she said that autistic people can continually keep learning and developing, and improving! I needed to hear this hope from her. I need to feel reassurance that I didn’t miss the proverbial window of opportunity with an earlier diagnosis for Oliver. I have been beating myself up about this lately.
She is so literal. So is Ollie. Yesterday he walked in when I was watching the final episode of The Bachelor. They had flown the girls in on helicopters in grand fashion for the finale. One of the girls was crying because Jake was dumping her. Oliver said, ‘Why is that girl so sad? Oh, it’s because her helicopter just left’. I LOVE that kid! Sometimes when life gets so complex and convoluted, it is refreshing to be confronted with such unpretentious, blatant honesty. To laugh when you’re happy and cry when you’re sad. Or, in Oliver’s case scream with joy when he’s happy, and flip over coffee tables when he’s mad.
I was relieved to hear Temple Grandin state that she understands what is inappropriate and what is appropriate because she learned this. And, she is able to effectively articulate this. In the past year Oliver has learned so much and made such strides. Yes, it is true that picking up on social cues is not innate to him as it is to you and I, but he CAN learn this. We can teach him this. So, it is possible that he may someday understand that it is not socially acceptable to show people his Thomas the Train underwear when first meeting them.
Here are some other important take aways from her interview:
-mentors and setting goals were vital to her.
-autism is a very broad spectrum. She mentions that there are not enough expectations for the children on the higher end of the spectrum. In the 50s, they were forced to have manners and to learn different social cues.
-all kids need to have a way to communicate. There is much more going on in these kids brains that you think.
-autistic kids need to have contact with normal students.
-she spoke of her middle school/high school years as, ‘socializing with teenagers is not a life skill that I need’. From here she elaborated that it’s a shame that schools have removed hands on job skills/vocational skills for different kinds of kids. These skills are necessary in order to find the right job for autistic/non-mainstream people to give them life skills.
-she spoke intensely that normal people cannot imagine the alternate sensory reality that autistic people live. Apparently florescent lights are a huge problem. The flickering can drive people crazy. (I didn’t know this!) There are ways to accommodate for other sensory processing disorders.
-she touched upon the whole BAD plastics theory that I subscribe to fully. (they’re leaching bad, bad things into our bodies). She also believes that biomedical approaches need to be utilized in conjunction with medicinal approaches AND that the genetics component to autism is huge.
-she mentioned that she was ‘allowed to act autistic for an hour a day’. She had high expectations set for her that she was upheld to but then was allowed to be free, too.
-she doesn’t believe that there is necessarily an increase in aspergers/autistic kids, but rather, this less structured society makes it more apparent and it is hurtful to them.
-autism is a gift.
This woman is a true pioneer. Her insight and her incredible spirit are a true gift to those of us who are just starting in this journey. We are all benefitting from her inspiration.
one week down
Well, after this evening, the gfcf diet doesn’t seem like such a big deal. We have the most delightful babysitter. She texted me that E had thrown up. After my autism support group meeting I headed home to help deal with the barf situation. E was fine and running around being absolutely darling. O was a disaster. Darnit. I guess that he was wondrous all evening until E threw up. I am beginning to see a trend when the shift in attention diverts from O, he (sometimes) loses it. Gosh, who knows! O basically lost it tonite because of no real apparent reasoning. Well, real and apparent in my world has a wholly different meaning in his. Screaming, crying. Then, intentional throwing of apple juice. Twice. Apparently we didn’t have the right color straws to suit his mood. What the heck. I so should have predicted this! He NEEDED purple AND black. I should have known! I clearly wasn’t thinking thru this well enough. After this, he zoned out for a long time. Then he came around sheepishly and was sorry. He said that he is so sorry for throwing the apple juice on the floor two times. He then suggested that we should get some more straws the next time we go to the store. Wow. That’s progress. If we could just work on the meltdowns now.
The diet has been going well for us. To be selfish, I have to say that I feel great! No gluten, dairy for over a week. Don’t crave it either. It’s getting a little easier. The bread substitutes leave a lot to be desired. I found tapioca flour hot dog buns. Made them for J and he (Mr. Silver Palette himself) didn’t even know the difference. O liked them, too. There are some brands that are good, and some that are disgusting. After making homemade gfcf pizza last night, I’d like to venture into the bread baking. It was actually pretty good. I’m going to borrow a bread machine and see how it goes.
One issue that has gotten worse has been the biting, oral sensory issue. We’re on the waiting list at Rosemary White for Sensory Integration Therapy. O constantly has something in his mouth. Must be chewing at all times. Last night he was chewing so hard he actually bit his inner lip and he didn’t notice it. He has started to bite his fingernails and will chew on the skin on his hands until they are raw if he doesn’t have anything to chew on. He chews on his shirt, sleeves of his coat, his blanket, his stuffed dog, ‘Puff’. He did this when he was younger, but hasn’t been doing this for awhile. These sensory issues seem to come in waves. It is worrisome. Something must be off kilter with him sensory-wise. I could tell that he wanted to hug me this morning when he woke up, but instead he punched me. Then he shoved E over. It didn’t even phase him that he did something wrong. Just kept on walking down the stairs. He scares me when he gets like this. It seems that there is not much that we can do at that moment to help him or help the situation other than removing ourselves from the situation. E was crying saying that O hit him. I gave him attention and he felt better. I was really happy that he didn’t smack him back.
I’ve been thinking about how E’s life is going to be different because of O. I know that in the long run, he will be significantly enriched by having O as his older brother, but I am anticipating some hurdles. I see him overcompensate for O already and he’s not even two. One of my weaknesses is my anxiety involving time. Must be on time. I freak out if I’m late. O is always forcing me to be late and it makes me crazy/crazier. He either can’t focus at all or is entirely over-focused. There is very little middle ground. Trying to get socks, shoes, and a coat on him and get him into the car is a major feat. E goes and gets his own socks and shoes and coat, then he gets O his shoes and coat, too. I can see how he wants to help O and it is really sweet. They’ll be two years apart in school and I wonder how that will play out for each of them. I don’t worry as much about J because he’s so much older than O and E and he’s establishing himself well in his own groove. We’ll deal the issues as they present themselves or blow up in our faces. Either way 😉
I’d like to present my mom with the award for ‘The First One to Find Gluten-free Casein-Free Donuts’ Award. Woo Hoo! As a prize you get to have a GFCF donut with us tomorrow! Can’t wait.
give my son a donut
My God. Are there no GFCF donuts in all of Seattle? On Amazon.com Grocery? No………….. Boy, this mommy searched and searched yesterday but found nothing. My son wanted a donut. My dear, sweet, spacing out, completely adorable autistic son, Oliver who is 4 1/2, wanted a donut. I could not produce it for him. We went to several gluten free bakeries, PCC, Whole Foods, searched the internet, called local donut bakeries. I found some truly gross looking recipes. When Oliver gets a bee in his bonnet, watch out world, there is no letting up. He talked about it again and again and again. Woke up this morning asking for donuts. I made GFCF pancakes in the shape of donuts. I stacked them with pure maple syrup and dairy free chocolate chips. He did seem delighted with them. No doubt though, when I pick him up today from school he’ll be asking for the donuts again.
I am not a baker, but it looks like I may have to become one. If it means that it’ll bring a smile to my sweet Oliver’s face, then I might have to dive in.
flying (GFCF) fruit loops
The title says it all. My kids, when not gastronomically appeased, like to throw their food, forks, spoons, and plates at me. Why? This is a good question. O does it because he is O. E does it because O does it and it gets a rise out of me. Thank GOD that J and Peter don’t do it. That would be a problem! Seriously, after putting some energy and thought into this whole GFCF diet, preparing meals has been a challenge. A rewarding one when they are being consumed, gratefully or not. But, when they are being hurled at me, I take offense.
I have pride in the fact that Julian is such a good eater. He eats a variety of well cultured, very diversified cuisines. He’s picky, but not in a bad way. He has good tastes in food and when he asks me to make him something above and beyond to appease his palette, I will gladly comply. Kinda makes me happy that he’s been paying attention all of these years to the extra effort to provide him a variety of foods and flavors. When I make a pretty well thought out, balanced meal for O that is wholly GFCF AND delicious looking and tasting, and he chucks it at me across the kitchen without even trying it first, followed by his fork, I’m not only sad, but, I’m worried. He demands a hot dog. Seriously?! I’ve made this lovely meal for you and you throw it at me, tell me that you hate me, hurl your fork at me and then demand the most disgusting food on the planet?!! This mom couldn’t say yes to that. Should I have? I have an issue about being a short order cook to my offspring. That is the lowest of the low in my world. Do I do it still? Yes, I do. Am I proud? No, it’s sad. Until our lovely O came into our family, I knew not of how some people are just born like this. I swear that I thought that given a lump of clay, I could form that very lump into whom I wanted. Woah, was I ever wrong. Never been more wrong. I’ve found and am finding each and every day that that was the stupidest assumption that I have ever made. But, tonight, I didn’t give into the hotdog craving of my dearest O. I’ve gotta be consistent. No short order cook here. Sorry, dudes.
O is who he is. J is who he is. E is who he is. I accept that I have some control in guiding them, hopefully showing them some manners. Hopefully they won’t throw plates of food at people that they love the rest of their lives. It’s my hope and prayer that they don’t.
mound of shells 